Anna was done. Screw it. It wasn’t going to happen this time, not again.
The Internet, Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, the whole fucking thing needs a spoiler tag. You can’t escape it. It’s like a bratty little sister.
It gets some sick pleasure from jumping out at you from nowhere and spoiling your favourite Tv show.
She was hanging on a cliff’s edge, metaphorically because, oh, my, god, that last episode, and literally because she would jump the fuck off one if she had it spoiled for her again.
She wants to talk to her friends about it, to all get hyped together like back when everyone watched Lost, they had no clue what was happening, but everyone had a dozen half-baked conspiracies.
Now she spends more time avoiding spoilers than watching the show.
Her anticipation has been replaced with anxiety because one little slip-up, one little crack, and one would get in and wreck the entire experience.
So, Anna made a decision.
A decision that would make sure that none of those pesky spoilers ever hit her again.
It involved her mobile, her laptop, a microwave and 3 minutes at 900 watts. Her anxiety burnt away with a cackle and a bright blue flame. It quickly grew into a small kitchen fire which she dealt with swiftly.
It was fine. It was worth it.
She was free. So fucking free, no more spoliers!
But It didn’t last long.
She was a victim of a second-hand spoiler. All the more painful because someone else had been through the shock and distress of having their show ruined by it first, and decided the best thing to do with that pain is bitch about it in the cafeteria queue and spread the suffering to everyone else.
Well, Anna made a decision about what to do about that too.
So she stabbed the bitch in the leg with her fork.
Her counsellor told her it wasn’t a good decision. Anna Agreed.
That would only teach that one bitch a lesson. What about everyone else? She couldn’t fork them all.
When Anna got home, she made another decision.
Nothing stupid this time, Nothing with a Fork or a Microwave.
For this one, Anna went and got her father’s hand saw from the Shed. She stood in front of the bathroom mirror, took a deep breath, braced her shelf, then sawed off each ear. It was surprisingly painless, and it only took her a few minutes. Before she knew it, she was left with a pile of bloody flesh and cartilage in the sink.
She turned the tap on and watched it wash away down the drain, just like her anxiety.
It was beautiful. Anna was free again, for real this time!
But It didn’t last long.
She was sat in the waiting room at A&E, radiating with the warm glow of self-satisfaction and brimming with the joyful contentment that she would now get to live spoiler-free life. When some obnoxious bitch turns around from the row in front of her to reveal the oh-so-funny meme on her phone that just happened to show Anna the very same spoiler she had heard earlier at the cafeteria, but this time, she got to see it all play out again and again in a 3-second loop.
So, Anna made a decision.
She snatched that phone out of her podgy hands and beat her over the head with it until the security guard pulled her off.
The security guard told her that violence doesn’t solve anything.
Oh, he felt silly, so he wrote it down for her.
He was right. Of course, she can’t go around beating everybody over the head with their phones.
What would that achieve?
When Anna got free of the security guard, she made another decision.
She stormed into the nurses’ office triumphantly. This was it. This was the plan that would free her.
Anna told the Nurse to sit the fuck down. She knew what she was doing.
Anna grabbed the scalpal off of the trolley. She poked it right into the middle of her eye and popped it out with a squelch.
Her eye looked like a chunk of pineapple on a cocktail stick.
Anna used to like it when her mom would make lots of them and spread them into a hedgehog.
Anna shoved the scalpal into her other eye. She couldn’t see it now, but she knew it looked just like mom used to make it with pineapple and cheese.
She liked that thought. She also like that she was completely free now. No spoilers could ever get her again.
That might sound crazy, but Anna knew she could be patient. She would wait for the series to finish, then she could pay someone to write it up in braille for her, then she would get to find out what happens next like the show wanted her to, how it was written.
As the days passed, Annas’ relief would sometimes begin to dissipate, replaced by a feeling of despair. She had wanted to save herself from spoilers, sure, but now she was left with nothing to do but sit in the dark and wait.
But then she would remind herself that in the end, it would all be ok. She would get her braille copy of the story, and she would enjoy it in peace.
And then the day came, finally, after all the months of waiting in the dark, she received the script in braille. And she had avoided spoilers all that time. She was so smart.
But doing things when you are blind is hard, and when she opened the parcel with the script in it she couldn’t tell she had opened the box upside down. She only realised when she picked up the pages and felt the words.
He died, The End